May I Be Excused?

No matter how badly I behave lately, someone thinks it's okay.

Everything I've done lately, from my campaign of revenge against Dear Husband and my email to his Next Victim, to my surly moods and self-destructive behavior, are apparently excusable. Because I've Been Through a Lot Lately.

It's an interesting development for someone whose behavior has always been inexcusable. According to my Beloved Mother, my whole life has been driven by a streak of selfishness a mile wide. In retrospect, some of my actions were perfectly reasonable reactions to situations no one, especially a child, should ever have to face. But while I now view the circumstances in a more reasonable light, the belief that I look out for myself at the expense of others remains like a bad aftertaste.

The three-year relationship I had with the Babbling Irishman before meeting DH only reinforced this feeling. BI had the endearing habit of taking a harmless comment and parsing it for hours to reveal my evil motivation. These marathon sessions always left me feeling like a verbal marauder who crushed feelings like buildings in a bad Japanese horror film.

Intentionally or unintentionally, DH has only reinforced the feeling that whatever happens is somehow my fault. He has steadily maintained that I'm the one responsible for the demise of our marriage. According to DH, a conversation I had with him two weeks before kicking his ass out of my life sounded the death knell of our relationship. His five-year betrayal and web of lies were just incidental.

Luckily, I have a gaggle of good friends who are helping me turn this around. You trampled someone's flower garden? That's perfectly understandable considering what's going on in your life. You made a baby cry just by looking at it? It's okay, you've had a hard year.

It's wonderful to be supported, but it's hard to get used to the idea that everything I do is okay when viewed in the mirror of my friendships. But I guess I should enjoy it. Because I've Been Through a Lot Lately.