Truth or Dare

Recently I've had to face an unusual number of social situations that require me to come clean about the end of my marriage or lie like a rug.

My recent trip to Idaho presented many opportunities to lie. My father had planned a couple of get-togethers with various cousins that I hadn't been in touch with for several years. Unfortunately, the most recent news they had about me was about my wedding.

So naturally that was a big topic of conversation. My father and I agreed in advance that lying by omission would be the best course of action. I wanted to avoid the frozen rictus of horror I've seen so often lately on the faces of those who have heard my news.

But it proved to be more challenging than I had anticipated. At one long dinner, the conversation returned again and again to my wedding and Dear Husband. If they were suspicious about a newly minted bride who changed the subject every time her wedding was mentioned, my cousins didn't let on. Very polite people in Idaho.

Last Saturday, I went to a former professor's house in Beverly Hills for a reunion luncheon with several former students. I decided to take a more direct approach here. M, one of my favorite professors, opened the door with a flourish and said, 'Here comes the bride!'

'I'm already divorced,' I said as we hugged. 'Process it.'

With her typical poise, M took it in stride. A theological scholar and the wife of a minister, M was familiar with the ways in which the absurdly religous use Secret Lives to separate their bright and dark sides.

I also talked at length with P, a former student who had earned a PhD in psychology in the seven years since we last spoke. (Yes, I felt a twinge of inadequacy, since I've spent the past seven years trashing my professional reputation and well, watching cartoons) P has had several patients who compartmentalize their secret sexual compulsions as methodically as DH did. Doing so allows them to justify their behavior and operate in both realms , she said.

It felt terrible to lie to my relatives, but it was embarrassing to come clean with the women at the luncheon, despite their uncompromising support. I feel like I have to choose my discomfort on a case-by-case basis. I suppose I'll eventually reach a point when I'll have to tell everyone the truth. Until then, I'll play it by ear.