Limbo

It's hard to find my place in the world right now.

It took months for the realization that I was married to sink in - every morning I woke up a little startled that I was legally bound to another person. In retrospect, I guess I should have expected this - after 37 years of thinking of myself in a certain way, I was making a big adjustment.

My sense of being married was fleeting - it took months to take hold, and was gone in the blink of an eye. I stopped feeling married the moment I discovered Dear Husband's Secret Life.

Now, in just as short a time, I'm struggling just as mightily with the idea that I'm getting divorced. The word divorcee summons up certain connotations for me - sort of a 1970s Me Generation association. It's not pleasant.

I ran into an acquaintance today that I hadn't seen for about a month. It seems like just yesterday that we were talking about my wedding. When she asked me about DH, I told her he was doing just fine. I didn't mention the separation or divorce. I didn't want to see the look of horror and curiousity on her face. I didn't want to see the reaction I imagined her having - that she, recently married herself, would think that I was contagious.

I don't want to be a divorcee. I want to reclaim my magical former title - single. It never bothered me the way it does some women. For now, as I wait for my divorce to come through, I'm none of these things - not single, not married, not even a loathsome divorcee. I feel like I'm in limbo.