The World's Shortest Marriage

Okay, so it wasn't really the world's shortest marriage. There are lots of celebs who've been married for months fewer than I was.

But it feels that way to me. Ten months. Ten months of what felt like ecstatic happiness. Until the day (drumroll) when I discovered Dear Husband's Secret Life.

Technically, I'm still married. I just discovered DH's Secret Life four days ago. Right now I'm figuring out the legal details of divorce and hiding in my apartment nursing my wounds.

Here are the Pertinent Facts - from my point of view - the only one that's going to appear here.

1. I married late (at 37) to the only man I ever imagined spending the rest of my life with
2. Dear Husband was married once before
3. DH's first marriage ended 12 years ago because he was unfaithful
4. DH swore up and down that he had learned his lesson and was a Changed Man
5. DH never learned his lesson, and hasn't changed a bit
6. Four days ago, I learned that DH has maintained a profile on a dating website for the entire five years we've been together. His profile describes him as a single man seeking single women who don't play games
7. Straight Single DH has an even more ominous online counterpart - Gay Single DH!
8. DH has corresponded online with numerous women and men he has met through these profiles
9. DH maintains he has done nothing wrong and it is my marital duty to forgive him and move on
10. DH is living in a dream world

I should mention one more Pertinent Fact - DH is a Devout Catholic. Apparently DH's religious beliefs allow him to do anything that feels good as long as he confesses at the end of the week.

Clearly there is only one thing that is verboten for a Good Catholic - Divorce. When I informed DH that a Divorce is imminent, he flipped out and returned with a loaded 9mm handgun. He threatened to blow his brains out if I refused to take him back. After seizing, unloading, and hiding DH's cannon, I advised him that any future references to sending himself to the Great Hereafter would be met with a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

After refusing to leave for several hours, DH finally packed a bag and split. I haven't seen him since.