Nostalgia

I have a confession to make: I miss Dear Husband something fierce.

I'm still incredibly angry with him, even though the Treasure Chest of Betrayal has begun to lose its power merely through the familiarity brought by repetitive viewing. I've had a couple of terrible dreams about him where he was hateful and abusive, something he's never been in real life. I wake from these dreams shaken and confused.

But still, I miss the comfort level I used to feel around him. It was so immediate that on our second date, in a movie theater, he put his arm around me and I briefly dozed off on his chest. I miss lazily spooning in bed and talking about everything and nothing. I miss the way I felt when I still believed he thought I was beautiful.

This doesn't change anything in terms of our divorce. That yawning abyss that opened between us on that Sunday morning when I discovered DH's Secret Life still exists, and it is as impassable as ever. But the bright hot pulsing anger in my head has subsided enough to make room for other thoughts. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel that comfortable around another person again. I wonder if I'll ever feel beautiful again. I wonder if and when this terrible feeling of loneliness will subside.

By the time I met DH, I no longer needed another person to feel complete. Now I feel like a jagged fraction of a human being. No longer feeling complete, even temporarily, is such a crippling loss. I know in my head that the missing part of me will grow back stronger than ever before. But my heart, that battered fragile organ that controls so much of what I do, my heart is not so sure.