Make it Stop Please

I have an excellent relationship with the neighbors across the walkway 11 months out of the year. Queridos Vecinos are a couple of Latino queens who are generally fabulous neighbors - friendly, considerate, and quiet enough.

But every December, I fantasize about killing them. In the first week of December, they hang their lighted, musical Christmas wreath on their front door, and visions of violence start to dance in my head.

The wreath plays fluty nasal versions of Christmas songs that drill into my brain whether my front door is open or closed. Early on, I found a volume button for this monstrosity that was luckily located on the outside of their front door. I've gotten into the habit of slipping over in the dark to restore peace to the apartment complex.

But apparently, Queridos Vecinos can't live without their tinny ice-rink yuletide noise. They come outside several times each night to readjust the volume. Last night I heard their noise pollution at 1 am as I was trying to go to sleep.

I made another trip over to their door in my bathrobe to make things right. But when I returned to bed, I could still hear the music in my head. I thought I was going to lose my mind.

Let me explain. You know about that phenomenon known as 'ear worm' when you can't get a song out of your head? I suffer from ear worm to a much greater degree than most people. Sometimes annoying tunes bounce around in my skull for days or even weeks. Christmas music is the worst.

The problem may be compounded by the post-traumatic stress disorder I suffer from my first job as a pixie to a drunken and deranged Santa at a third-rate Christmas-themed amusement park. I haven't worked there for 22 years, but the nightmares just stopped recently.

So now I'm contemplating a more permanent solution to my problem. I know, I know - vandalism is a crime. But as A says, no jury would ever convict me.