Down the Rabbit Hole

After trying for months to get rid of my anger, I'm working hard to reclaim it.

I have to. Somehow Dear Husband has managed to morph from someone I'm furious with into someone I feel sorry for, and that's not good. He dropped by the other day, and unlike our previous necessary meetings, this one had no real purpose. He brought some persimmons and a lobster quesadilla, and after delivering his gifts, he plopped down on the couch to chat.

When we first separated, he said he hoped we could be friends, and I told him I don't need lying friends any more than I need a lying husband. But somehow here we were, sitting in the living room making small talk.

I felt like Alice in Wonderland without the nice high - big things had become small, small things had become big, and DH and I were having our own mad tea party, asking riddles that have no answers.

He managed to sidle back into my life simply by waiting out my anger. He knew I couldn't stay pissed off at him forever.

And I don't want to. But I need my anger back for a little while. I had to remind myself of what he had done - betrayed me before and after we were married, lied to me about it repeatedly, lied again when he was caught (I set up that dating profile before I met you! I swear!), brought a gun into my house when he had agreed never to do so, and made an empty threat to shoot himself in an attempt to gain leverage where he had none.

By the time I finished reviewing the facts, I was pissed. I told DH it's too difficult for me to see him, and asked him to give me some space.

There's no real reason for us to see each other ever again. Seeing him makes me so sad, and just delays the healing process that much longer. Once he's at a safe distance, I can begin again to lose my anger, my outrage, and I hope, someday, my grief.